• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• On the other hand you have different fingers.

• Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• You can't have everything....where would you put it?

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• On the journey of life, I chose the psychopath.

• If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

• I went to my allotment last week to find somebody had dumped 2" of soil all over it. Went today and the same thing again... The plot thickens!

• My wife's been reading the dictionary every night for a month….I think she's up to something.

• A cop just pulled me over and said : "Papers" so I said: "scissors! I win" and drove off....

• Whenever I fill out an application form, in the part that says "If an emergency, contact:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Har en liten mini julafton (eller juldag!) här idag med svärfar på besök samt kalkonmiddag!

Random thoughts from people 20-35 years old.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.


How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".


How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem ...

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.



I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I wonder if cops ever get pis*ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, andthen estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat ba*tard before dinner.

Hann inte lägga ut ett morgon-inlägg i morse och har ett fullt skrivbord på jobbet...så här kommer lite roligheter i stället!

Funnies by Jimmy Carr...

When someone close to you dies? Move seats.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

I grew up in Slough in the 1970s.

If you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970s? Go there now.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty.

But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.

So I said, "All right, fatty."

Boxers don't have sex before a fight.

Know why that is?

They don't fancy each other.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.

So be careful at the next office Christmas party.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I went up to the airport information desk.

I said, "How many airports are there in the world?"

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.

She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.

But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

Top Tips

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself!

2.  Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Men, Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- Use the sink!

4.  For high blood pressure sufferers- simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life- WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40, If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

8. Remember- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:
Some people are like Slinkies- Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs...

       FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY....( as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR....

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND