He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

On the journey of life, I chose the psychopath.

If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

I went to my allotment last week to find somebody had dumped 2" of soil all over it. Went today and the same thing again... The plot thickens!

My wife's been reading the dictionary every night for a month….I think she's up to something.

A cop just pulled me over and said : "Papers" so I said: "scissors! I win" and drove off....

Whenever I fill out an application form, in the part that says "If an emergency, contact:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?