• He who laughs last thinks slowest.


  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

  • On the other hand you have different fingers.


  • Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.


  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?


  • You can't have everything....where would you put it?


  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  • On the journey of life, I chose the psychopath.

  • If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

  • I went to my allotment last week to find somebody had dumped 2" of soil all over it. Went today and the same thing again... The plot thickens!

  • My wife's been reading the dictionary every night for a month….I think she's up to something.


  • A cop just pulled me over and said : "Papers" so I said: "scissors! I win" and drove off....

  • Whenever I fill out an application form, in the part that says "If an emergency, contact:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?




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