"My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night."

"My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t."

"The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face."

"Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation."

"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

"Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.  Turned out it was a bloody hoax."

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears."

"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."

"A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".  The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

"Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda."

"I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."

"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it."

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that."

"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"