Tommy Cooper one liners!

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went TPAU! I said Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said No, Ive got china in my hand.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

f(x)= x2 + 5x walks into a bar.  Barman says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve functions

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' 
I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he?'

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it  is.'

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, it's a permanent job.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said 'Euro star'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin'.