Tommy Cooper one liners!

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went TPAU! I said Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said No, Ive got china in my hand.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

f(x)= x2 + 5x walks into a bar.  Barman says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve functions

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' 
I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he?'

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it  is.'

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, it's a permanent job.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said 'Euro star'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin'.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I'm concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it's hell.

I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Jaha...Här sitter man på jobbet....Hinner bara skriva en snabbis eftersom jag har alldeles för mycket att göra. Tack Gode Gud att det är Fredag i morgon!



Oh...och eftersom jag är på jobbet så kommer en jobbrelaterad bild också:

Ja- JAG tycker den är rolig i alla fall!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side

Silly is not the word..

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his/her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did

 PETER KAY SAYINGS

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
     that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

"My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night."

"My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t."

"The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face."

"Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation."

"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

"Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.  Turned out it was a bloody hoax."

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears."

"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."

"A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".  The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

"Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda."

"I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."

"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it."

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that."

"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, '! I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's
have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. A guy goes into the doctor's.'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Now don't you start!'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can
you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.
'The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery
acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to rise as digging continues into the night.